I was reading on Paula's Blog (listed on the right) about how to encourage healthy eating in society and as I was commenting I felt inspired to share my story here.
I have already shared with you that I have Type I Diabetes. What I have not shared is that I have struggled with Diabetic Bolemia for years. What is Diabetic Bolemia? Well, I will try to explain it simply and briefly. Your pancreas creates insulin. A Type I Diabetic's does not. Your body needs insulin to transfer glucose (food) from your blood to your cells. Without insulin, you can eat all the "right" food, and have all of the energy that you need in your blood, but your body can't get it out of your blood. So, your body thinks that it is starving if you don't take insulin. When you are starving, your body starts using your muscle and fat tissue to feed itself. This is VERY bad for your body, and can kill you, but you also loose weight quickly. So, a recently recognized eating disorder is what is called Diabetic Bolemia. A Type I Diabetic can binge all they want, not take insulin, and still loose weight.
I don't really know why this started in my life. Somehow I lost the ability to see myself honestly in the mirror. I always look fat to myself. I have gone from a size 12 to a size 4 being too big on me, and not seen a difference in the mirror. I have only in the last 2 years come to realize my distorted view. For years I starved myself by not taking my insulin, binging and eating copeous amounts of food all the while. It was so easy to loose weight that way. But it was never enough.
I was admitted into the hospital just over 2 years ago for severe depression. While there, I was also diagnosed with an eating disorder. After about one week in-patient I started a 5 week program for ED and Mood disorders. I would arrive at 8 in the morning and leave at 4. We were made to eat healthy breakfasts, snacks and lunches there. We were weighed in each morning, but not allowed to know what our weight was. It was very difficult. Between meals we had different groups and classes. One thing that they taught us was that we could not trust our hunger. We had to follow a Meal Plan, and trust that. The program was very helpful and kept me from killing myself with my ED.
What this program did not do was help me discover where this had come from. Only through God's help have I been able to stay healthy. But a week ago or so, my Mom asked me if I had been loosing weight. "No!" I said, "if anything I've been gaining." Then a day later my husband asked me the same question. "No," I said, "You're just in the mood."
A couple days later I was shopping with TS when I realized that perhaps I couldn't trust my own perception. So I asked her what she saw. She shared with me that the jeans I was wearing were definately looser on me now than they had been two weeks earlier. She was right. I had been at a size 12, I wore a size 8 today. But I don't see any difference. I don't feel the same overwhelming NEED to loose weight. I DO see that through God I am accepted. I DO know that my husband is attracted to me the way I am. So why do I still not see the truth in the mirror?
I think that our current society has so ingrained us with the importance of being skinny (to the point of being unhealthy) that some people can't even see what reality is! How awful is this?!
P asked on her blog, "What if it were harder to get stylish clothes for large sizes? Would this encourage people to live a healthier lifestyle?"
I feel the opposite. What if we didn't see size 0 clothing when we went shopping? Would we not think that we have to find some way to fit into those clothes in order to be pretty and desirable? What if the models that we see in magazines and on TV were a size 10? How would that change the mental and physical health of our population?
I will continue on this journey of seeking health for a long time to come, I think. I wish that it were easier, faster. Going back a few posts, I don't understand why God doesn't just reach down and make everything all better. But then how would I learn...
If you have issues with eating, self perception, weight... I would love to have an on-going support system to discuss triumphs and hard times.
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2 comments:
Thankfully there IS a push to have more realistic models! Probably a bad example - but Tyra Banks, a Victoria's Secret model (who doesn't think THEY are attractive?!), is now 161 pounds and FLAUNTING her weight gain. Get this - she was 140 when she modelled VS! She looks great though - even at 161. Listen to me, EVEN at 161 - AT 161, which in our society seems heavy. She wears a D-cup bra, has major curves and yet no one thinks she is fat. So see, perhaps there is hope for the modeling industry. Perhaps.
I don't think Tyra Banks is attractive even one bit. It's not her weight; it's her attitude that makes me go "yuck". I definately think they should weight TV star & models body fat %. They should be required to seek medical help if they cannot maintain a health BMI in either direction -- so that they set a good example for everyone and live longer lives themselves. However, I draw the line, for free speach reasons at forcing them to not be on the air if they do not fit within a BMI range. Myself? I need to reduce my BMI soon before the too high of one negatively impacts my live span. I hide it too well for a man of shorter stature.
S. - thanks for sharing. This type of thing is the reason why I try to encourage you to take your insulin. Take care of yourself, so you can be around long enough to see your children grow up. And, from a selfish standpoint -- be healthy enough to continue to do game nights /w the gang for a VERY long time to come. :)
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